The Tale of a Papa Roach Addict

Sometimes it's a good thing. Sometimes it's a bad thing.

I'm actually quite shocked that something that was a "hairbrained" idea on Wednesday, has actually materialized by Friday. Technically, it was last night, but hey, it's technically Friday now. And it's ... happening.

The best thing about Colette EVER, is that when I call her and toss ideas at her, she never, ever says, "No way!" I mean, I get no sometimes, but I know I'm really reaching when she does. I do the same thing. But it's times like this that I love my best friend. She's spontaneous too, and she never talks me out of it.

Her and I have both been in the blah rut. When we were supposed to do Vegas, that was going to be a "let's let our hair down, and raise a little hell!" weekend. Since she didn't make it, it just wasn't the same.

And well, I'm pretty sure it's obvious that my little infactuation with Jacoby is going NO WHERE...

Yeah, you see where this is going, don't you?

Papa Roach posted a blog a few days ago (Oh, wow, I think it was Wednesday.) about how they're going to be doing this contest, a chance to meet the band. I went and signed up on the site like I was supposed to for this contest, thinking well, since they didn't have it here where they were here, they might when they come back through.

Well, the thing is about doing stuff like that, I tend to start looking. And I look at what's on a Saturday. And when I seen Dubuque, IA... I'm like, well, it is a hairbrained idea. Let's see what the partner in crime has to say.

The conversation ended on Wednesday, that it wasn't going to be done. It was going to be too much for air fare, I had to pay all my bills. Blah, blah.

Yesterday at work... I'm sitting there on hold. I'm staring at my background picture on my computer, which is Jacoby getting a tattoo. I like the picture because it's black and white, and if you've ever gotten a tattoo, you know that it's kind of a intimate thing between you and your tattooist. There's just something about this picture that I love.

What my original thought was, hmmm, maybe I should get another tattoo?
Weird how the mind works.

So, while I'm on hold. I send Colette a little list of things. 5 things actually. I don't remember all of them, but one of them is Dubuque next week.

Her response is, don't tempt me, I have nothing going on that weekend.

Well, geez..... HMMMMMM.

Yeah. You see where this is going still, don't you?

My response is... "Let me look into airfare."

I'm pretty sure that I made her jaw hit the desk. Because look into airfare, I did.

I found a flight into Chicago for $248. With everything, fees blah blah. They have a bus that runs from Chicago to Milwaukee. Well, I'll be.

I figured out the budget. I paid all my bills, I even will have $$ for my mom. I efiled my taxes, and with any luck, will have a refund by next week.

What the hell. I'm going to freakin IOWA.

Iowa. That just sounds so... I don't know. I'm pretty sure when people pick places to go for concerts, that's probably not their first choice, ya know? They'd probably pick New York or Los Angeles... You know the BIG cities. (By the way, as soon as this was pretty much set in stone... Two Papa Roach headlining shows announced. LA and NY. Tix $20.) But ... I wouldn't get Avenged Sevenfold. Or Saving Abel. I'd say Buckcherry, but... that's so what this is not about!

Which is another topic I'll hit before I'm done I'm sure. One good thing about waking up WAY before I'm supposed to, lots of talking time this morning!

Hey, I've been quiet lately.
You should be happy I'm ... almost normal again.
Like I said, almost.

So, where was I? Yeah... Dubuque. No Elizabeth though, I'm afraid. She's taking her son out. Which I understand. Next time, my friend! At least, we thought about it.

So, yeah. My boss didn't help matters when I went in and asked if it's too late to ask for next Thursday and Friday off, and she said, "No. No one else has it off, you could have it."

I looked at her funny. It was almost like I WANTED her to say no. Or at least expected her to!

So, with that being said, plane ticket bought, bus ticket bought, not sure about the concert ticket. She said she was going to get it last night, but... not sure. If she didn't, I might just to insure we're going to have tickets. I'll talk to her when I get to work today.

I'm going to be in Milwaukee Thursday night. I'll be travelling all day, I'm not doing anything but hanging low and catching up with my friend. Friday, she's working, and I'm thinking that I'll go see Kerry if she's up for it. I have to call her first on that, to see if she'll be around, because I can't assume that she'll even want to see me. Spend Friday with her, and then Friday night... Barbieres. YUM! I hope that Lisa gets my message and rounds up the group for me. I've been thinking about them all so much lately, it would be nice to see them. Esp. Shawn. I've just been wanting to talk to him for so long. Michelle too! I'm sure that we'll talk with her for awhile after Barbieres. I want to anyway. I hope she doesn't have anythign else planned.

Saturday, we're going to Dubuque. Sunday I come home. I'm not going to have a lot of time, and there are going to be people I won't get to see unless they come to dinner, but ... I put a bulletin out there. If people can't make it, I understand. But if they can, the more the merrier!

I so can not wait. I need this weekend. I need to raise some hell. I need some quality time with my friend... the one that loves this stuff as much as I do. We're both pretty excited for the insanity.

And not only that... I mean think about it. I get to go back to the city I lived in for 8 years. I get to see a lot of people I haven't seen in a while. I get garlic bread and meat sauce. I get (hopefully) some George Webbs coffee. I get to hang out with my partner in crime. AND... JACOBY AND DA BOYS???

Hits stores March 24 friends. Preorder it at paparoach.com
Yeah, I'm not pimpin. Am I?

Thing is... Even though I have this crush on Jacoby, this band has brought me back... what I used to LOVE about music. The live performance. The band that LOVES what they do. I haven't had that in my life for a long, long time. I will never really try to meet Jacoby. If it happens, I'm at risk of my image of him being shattered, just like what happened with Buckcherry.

Which is completely ironic, that these two bands are touring together.

This band... is not the same band I fell in love with.

It's hard to believe their headlining the tour at that. Their performance seemed so... not real the last time I seen them. It lacked energy. It lacked... love for the music, and the love of performing live. At least, that's what it seemed like to me.

Which again, is why I find it so funny that I get this love back for music from another band that is touring with the last band I felt that energy for. Papa Roach, don't ever sell out, men. I beg you.

I read an interview with Jacoby awhile back, and I'm thinking it was pretty old, but he was talking about the insane things he does on stage just to make it entertaining for the crowd. Because... he realizes why they're there.

And entertain he does. I've never seen a front man do the shit he does. ALL over the crowd. I mean, all over!!! And the best part... his smile.

Oh wait, that's not the smile.
That's the image in my mind when I'm trying to sleep!
Shame on me.


That's the look I love.

If I don't win that contest for the meet and greet, I'll be just fine. Because what if I meet them, and they're all jerks? That's going to ruin EVERYTHING all over again. And I just got it back. But on the otherside of the coin.

I want a crazy picture with Jacoby. Man, the guy can not take a serious picture EVER.

I love that about him.
Sigh.

Anyway... sorry. I'm just very surprised, and very happy I'm doing something insanely fun.

Weight loss. Don't know what I've lost, but since I've been walking again, I can tell. I admit that I've got more bounce in my step, and I can feel it in my clothes. And I can see in the midsection. Yay me!

Okay... I'm done rambling. I hope this explains why I'm not going on my grocery shopping spree. Now, I'm getting coffee, half and half, milk and splenda. I'll be living on macaroni and tuna (not together..) for the next month. But ... it will be worth it. I'm pretty sure on that.

My latest favorite song.
My favorite line...
Take these memories that are Haunting me

Of a paper man cut into shreds by his own pair of scissors


BYE!

heart of embers

she tries hard

tries so very hard to belong

push, pull, tug, yank

yet, she stays back in the deep dark shadows



when will she be seen?

when will she be noticed?



like a little girl

wanting her teacher's attention

or that longing look from the homecoming king



she yearns

she longs

yet she remains overlooked

over and over



no one can see the heart of gold

buried so very deep

so she thinks

yet

so obviously worn on her sleeve



everyone looks past

never at



no one sees her

shiny heart of gold

despite her mad hand waving

for their attention

or

her crying out



"please look at me!

please see me!"



they all continue to look past

to the horizon

seeing further



for something bigger

something better

is always over the horizon



she's oblivious to what's behind

she wants to move forward

ahead

to what's new

what's better

what is yet to come



never does she look back

until she realizes

where they are looking



behind her

bigger,

better



her head hangs down

defeated yet again



her eyes remain on the horizon

tears roll down her cheeks

she knows she has lost

yet again

at the realization,

her reality



there will always be

something bigger,

something better



and it's a fight she'll never win



she tried so hard for their approval

approval she never got

and never will



she's defeated

she slumps

she has only herself to blame

her hopes

her dreams

all gone

reality hindered once again

by simple minded thoughts

that this time.

this time would be different.



what she wanted to be sunshine

was only her heart

the heart of gold on her sleeve

glowing brighter in hope

only to be

snuffed out again

from the hurt

the pain



back to the deep dark shadows

she goes

her heart of gold

has faded

faded into nothing

nothing but a heart of embers









cherri l kauss 2009

Stupid Cry Baby

My heart hurts. I can't explain it, because it's no one thing. It's a lot of different things. And I'm not talking about stupid boys kind of hurt. Being sick probably is messing with my head, because I can't stop crying after reading Colleen's blog. It was the story about her and her son.

It was a beautiful story. It truly was. I don't know why I'm sitting here crying about it. I guess because I know it hurts my friend that her son's gone for awhile now. I wish I could hug it away, but...

I don't know. I think that right now, I'm just having a moment. It's like I had a sledge hammer hit me along side the head, and I feel virtually incomplete. For lack of a better word, I feel empty. I know that I can't ask anyone to understand why I feel this way. Everyone's life is so different.

But I'm sick. I'm alone. No one will be calling to check on me tonight. No one will make sure I'm alive in the morning. No one's going to tuck me in and say, "I hope you feel better in the morning."

It doesn't normally bother me. I'm usually pretty strong about this sort of thing. But today, obviously I'm not. It's a combination of things. PMS. Being sick. Being alone. Not having any freaking money left after I pay rent.

It's just like today, I don't want to be an adult. I want someone to take care of me for a change. But I don't have that, so I will sit here, cry for awhile, suck it up, and do it all over again tomorrow. It's what I do every day.

Sorry. I feel better, kinda.

Colette and I were talking about stuff the other day, and she doesn't understand that I actually have been through what she's going through before. Liking your best friend. His name was Shawn. We used to hang out together EVERY night. He lived upstairs, I lived downstairs. Every night, we'd take turns cooking dinner, and watching movies / tv in his place. Nothing ever happened, but it was only a matter of time before my feelings changed.

I backed off. But I noticed that when I left, Shawn was going back to his old habits. Something he didn't do when we'd hang out. (Truth? Crack. I'd never touched the stuff, and he knew damn well he wouldn't if I were around.) But... he did go back to it. I called his cousin Curt, and told him what I thought was going on... and we did an intervention.

That was the last time I was ever in the same room with Shawn. It's not that he hated me. In fact, I know he appreciated what I had done, because he knew he needed to be on that road. He never hated me for it, but he never... could look me in the eye again. Can't say that I blame him.

But I did it because I knew he was better than that.

Not a day goes by that I still don't think about him. I miss him terribly because he was the best guy friend I'd ever had. I mean, we were like married, without the sex. And then ... I had to go start thinking like a girl, and everything got all screwed up.

But my point. She forgets I know.

I miss Shawn. To this day, I still miss him. But I will probably never ever see him again. And that... sucks.

I'm just lonely. I don't have any friends that I can just hang out with. I mean I have friends that I do hang out with, like go to concerts and stuff. No one to go to the movies. No one to go for coffee. Last week I was supposed to go to dinner, but my car got screwed up.

Anyway... I'm having a moment. I need to get out of here. I need to go sit on the love seat and watch Pineapple express, and be jealous of those guys.

Sigh.