Broken

You know that song, by Seether with Amy Lewis? I used to joke around that I liked broken people, until I realized... it's not joking when it's the truth.

I realized my last "crush" was because I had found him in a lot of ways, to be broken. I wanted answers to be able to let things go. Do I think he's broken anymore? No, but something tells me, he's not a very nice man if you don't fit into his catagories.

I could be wrong, after all, I only have assumptions to go on here. He could be perfect in every way.
(Shyeah.)

So, with that in mind, why does it still bother me that he's ignored me for a month? After all, it was only a crush. It wasn't like it was going to grow into this great romance. We were only supposed to go to the movies.

It's not normal to get that attached to someone you've never even met, is it? But looking back, it's what I've always done. It's always much easier to like someone you know realistically you don't have a chance with, even becoming friends with, because you've already set yourself up for rejection. And you know you're going to be rejected right from the start.

But this time, it wasn't like that. Because he actually said yes. And when he wanted to do stuff, he had picked the worst possible week EVER. And because of that... I'm being punished. My broken car. Missing each other on Saturday. It was just bad timing. But... now, I'm being punished.

After talking to a friend of mine, and her "obsession", I realize that I need to just let this go. But is it me, or do you find it harder to drop things if there's no closure to them too? I know that's the only reason I'm still thinking about it. Because I didn't get to explain that his email went into the junk box in my mail email, and I didn't find it there for a whole day. He thought I was blowing him off, so... yeah, I didn 't even get to explain that. All he knows is he said yes to me, and when it was arranged for a day, I blew him off.

Sucks when you can't explain yourself, and it is really something that simple. I guess the point is now... maybe he's not the broken one, maybe I've been the one broken through out the years. Knowing what I shouldn't do, so I do it anyway.

I don't know. I need to let it go, but... it's hard when I hear him five days a week. Sure, I could turn him off, but... no. No, I can't. He's been my source of entertainment for a year now. I can't turn him off.

I hate the drama I create within myself.

It's Official

I've given up. I told myself I'd give it one more shot. That I did. And not even being acknowledged that I asked a question, I take that as a no. Which is fine. Honestly, I hate being ignored more than anything else. So, yeah. I give up. Not that I really expected anything. But... it would have been nice to just get it over and done with. I had these adrenaline highs for two weeks now, and when I ended up hitting the bottom, it was nothing but a low. And that was too much of a roller coaster for me.

It just makes me feel like such an idiot. Probably because it felt like so many other situations in my life through out the years. That right there should tell me to just let go. But, it's that old habit of giving a crap that really keeps me holding on. Or is it hope that it might be acceptance once and for all?

Yeah, the more I've been thinking about it, the more I think that's what it is exactly. I say I don't care, but I know what my heart feels like when I get rejected over and over again. I do care. And I hate it.

But ... it's another lesson I've learned, and need to pick myself up and dust myself off... AGAIN. It wasn't like this was going to be anything but hanging out. It wasn't a date. It wasn't going to be anything but hanging out. I know that, but I think I got so excited at the thought of having someone to go to the movies with .... Yeah, really, that's what it was.

But whatever. Officially done. I hope you never hear me talk about it again. I hope I never talk about it again. It will only remind me of how stupid I have been. Yet again.

If that makes any sense at all.

Second Chance

This song has come to have meaning for me. When I first heard it, the very first time, it gave me goosebumps because it reminded me of a lot of different second chances I've gotten in my life. Now, it just reminds me of someone... someone that seems to mean a great deal to me, and for reasons I couldn't even explain.

Screwed up, isn't it? I don't normally blog about my crushes anymore. I don't think of him as a crush so much either, but as ... I can't even explain it. I've never had someone give me just about every single emotion under the sun, and I've only spent about 3 seconds with him in person. We've talked more through writing, which is always a big thing for me. I don't get that either, but that goes way back to my days of pen palling. That's how I did all my communication, through writing. And when I can find someone who either humors me well through the writing, or at least acknowledges me , I can't help but feel a bond.

At this point though, I'm kind of torn as to what I need to do. Part of me tells me that I need to let it just go, and see what will come of it, because I don't want to be a pain in the ass. Because last week, when I just let it be... he mentioned going to the movies on Tuesday... When my car died, and I couldn't go anywhere. Then again, plans for Saturday... fell through because we missed either other via email by 3 minutes. THREE MINUTES. I know it's not a big deal, but I spent all day Saturday feeling like complete and utter crap because I thought I was blown off... Only to find out, that wasn't the case at all. When I check my work email... there it was.

I mean... what do I do at this point? I missed out going to a band on Friday, because I knew he was going to be there, and I didn't want it to look like I was being "stalker chick". No, actually, I had planned that show for three weeks, and when I found out he was going to be there, that put the hault on that. I know, I had my plans first, but... honestly, I didn't want to meet him in such a public place. I'm not all that comfortable in the first place, and really... yeah, well, I just didn't want that to be the first time. (Cruefest doesn't count. He doesn't even remember that. And I only do, because I remember sucking it up and actually going up to him. No one understands that. Me. Getting courage to go talk to him. Wow.)

So, now... I'm at a loss. Do I just leave it well enough alone? Answer to that question... No. I just asked him to join me to see Quarantine on Saturday. If he says no, then... I'll let it go. He asked the other two times, so...

We'll see.

After all, I am a glutton for punishment.

Fine Again

My brother introduced me to this song actually. Hard to believe, since I was on such a Seether kick. But he was talking about it, and how it reminded him of our uncle Doc. Ever since I've loved this song.

I've been listening to it this week, because I'm trying to convince myself I'm fine again. Too much has been going on this week, and I have been riding a roller coaster. I have to say, I hate it. I'm getting sick of my little soap opera. It causes too much unnecessary stress.

Sigh. I still wonder why he said yes in the first place.