Stupid Cry Baby

My heart hurts. I can't explain it, because it's no one thing. It's a lot of different things. And I'm not talking about stupid boys kind of hurt. Being sick probably is messing with my head, because I can't stop crying after reading Colleen's blog. It was the story about her and her son.

It was a beautiful story. It truly was. I don't know why I'm sitting here crying about it. I guess because I know it hurts my friend that her son's gone for awhile now. I wish I could hug it away, but...

I don't know. I think that right now, I'm just having a moment. It's like I had a sledge hammer hit me along side the head, and I feel virtually incomplete. For lack of a better word, I feel empty. I know that I can't ask anyone to understand why I feel this way. Everyone's life is so different.

But I'm sick. I'm alone. No one will be calling to check on me tonight. No one will make sure I'm alive in the morning. No one's going to tuck me in and say, "I hope you feel better in the morning."

It doesn't normally bother me. I'm usually pretty strong about this sort of thing. But today, obviously I'm not. It's a combination of things. PMS. Being sick. Being alone. Not having any freaking money left after I pay rent.

It's just like today, I don't want to be an adult. I want someone to take care of me for a change. But I don't have that, so I will sit here, cry for awhile, suck it up, and do it all over again tomorrow. It's what I do every day.

Sorry. I feel better, kinda.

Colette and I were talking about stuff the other day, and she doesn't understand that I actually have been through what she's going through before. Liking your best friend. His name was Shawn. We used to hang out together EVERY night. He lived upstairs, I lived downstairs. Every night, we'd take turns cooking dinner, and watching movies / tv in his place. Nothing ever happened, but it was only a matter of time before my feelings changed.

I backed off. But I noticed that when I left, Shawn was going back to his old habits. Something he didn't do when we'd hang out. (Truth? Crack. I'd never touched the stuff, and he knew damn well he wouldn't if I were around.) But... he did go back to it. I called his cousin Curt, and told him what I thought was going on... and we did an intervention.

That was the last time I was ever in the same room with Shawn. It's not that he hated me. In fact, I know he appreciated what I had done, because he knew he needed to be on that road. He never hated me for it, but he never... could look me in the eye again. Can't say that I blame him.

But I did it because I knew he was better than that.

Not a day goes by that I still don't think about him. I miss him terribly because he was the best guy friend I'd ever had. I mean, we were like married, without the sex. And then ... I had to go start thinking like a girl, and everything got all screwed up.

But my point. She forgets I know.

I miss Shawn. To this day, I still miss him. But I will probably never ever see him again. And that... sucks.

I'm just lonely. I don't have any friends that I can just hang out with. I mean I have friends that I do hang out with, like go to concerts and stuff. No one to go to the movies. No one to go for coffee. Last week I was supposed to go to dinner, but my car got screwed up.

Anyway... I'm having a moment. I need to get out of here. I need to go sit on the love seat and watch Pineapple express, and be jealous of those guys.

Sigh.