heart of embers

she tries hard

tries so very hard to belong

push, pull, tug, yank

yet, she stays back in the deep dark shadows



when will she be seen?

when will she be noticed?



like a little girl

wanting her teacher's attention

or that longing look from the homecoming king



she yearns

she longs

yet she remains overlooked

over and over



no one can see the heart of gold

buried so very deep

so she thinks

yet

so obviously worn on her sleeve



everyone looks past

never at



no one sees her

shiny heart of gold

despite her mad hand waving

for their attention

or

her crying out



"please look at me!

please see me!"



they all continue to look past

to the horizon

seeing further



for something bigger

something better

is always over the horizon



she's oblivious to what's behind

she wants to move forward

ahead

to what's new

what's better

what is yet to come



never does she look back

until she realizes

where they are looking



behind her

bigger,

better



her head hangs down

defeated yet again



her eyes remain on the horizon

tears roll down her cheeks

she knows she has lost

yet again

at the realization,

her reality



there will always be

something bigger,

something better



and it's a fight she'll never win



she tried so hard for their approval

approval she never got

and never will



she's defeated

she slumps

she has only herself to blame

her hopes

her dreams

all gone

reality hindered once again

by simple minded thoughts

that this time.

this time would be different.



what she wanted to be sunshine

was only her heart

the heart of gold on her sleeve

glowing brighter in hope

only to be

snuffed out again

from the hurt

the pain



back to the deep dark shadows

she goes

her heart of gold

has faded

faded into nothing

nothing but a heart of embers









cherri l kauss 2009

Stupid Cry Baby

My heart hurts. I can't explain it, because it's no one thing. It's a lot of different things. And I'm not talking about stupid boys kind of hurt. Being sick probably is messing with my head, because I can't stop crying after reading Colleen's blog. It was the story about her and her son.

It was a beautiful story. It truly was. I don't know why I'm sitting here crying about it. I guess because I know it hurts my friend that her son's gone for awhile now. I wish I could hug it away, but...

I don't know. I think that right now, I'm just having a moment. It's like I had a sledge hammer hit me along side the head, and I feel virtually incomplete. For lack of a better word, I feel empty. I know that I can't ask anyone to understand why I feel this way. Everyone's life is so different.

But I'm sick. I'm alone. No one will be calling to check on me tonight. No one will make sure I'm alive in the morning. No one's going to tuck me in and say, "I hope you feel better in the morning."

It doesn't normally bother me. I'm usually pretty strong about this sort of thing. But today, obviously I'm not. It's a combination of things. PMS. Being sick. Being alone. Not having any freaking money left after I pay rent.

It's just like today, I don't want to be an adult. I want someone to take care of me for a change. But I don't have that, so I will sit here, cry for awhile, suck it up, and do it all over again tomorrow. It's what I do every day.

Sorry. I feel better, kinda.

Colette and I were talking about stuff the other day, and she doesn't understand that I actually have been through what she's going through before. Liking your best friend. His name was Shawn. We used to hang out together EVERY night. He lived upstairs, I lived downstairs. Every night, we'd take turns cooking dinner, and watching movies / tv in his place. Nothing ever happened, but it was only a matter of time before my feelings changed.

I backed off. But I noticed that when I left, Shawn was going back to his old habits. Something he didn't do when we'd hang out. (Truth? Crack. I'd never touched the stuff, and he knew damn well he wouldn't if I were around.) But... he did go back to it. I called his cousin Curt, and told him what I thought was going on... and we did an intervention.

That was the last time I was ever in the same room with Shawn. It's not that he hated me. In fact, I know he appreciated what I had done, because he knew he needed to be on that road. He never hated me for it, but he never... could look me in the eye again. Can't say that I blame him.

But I did it because I knew he was better than that.

Not a day goes by that I still don't think about him. I miss him terribly because he was the best guy friend I'd ever had. I mean, we were like married, without the sex. And then ... I had to go start thinking like a girl, and everything got all screwed up.

But my point. She forgets I know.

I miss Shawn. To this day, I still miss him. But I will probably never ever see him again. And that... sucks.

I'm just lonely. I don't have any friends that I can just hang out with. I mean I have friends that I do hang out with, like go to concerts and stuff. No one to go to the movies. No one to go for coffee. Last week I was supposed to go to dinner, but my car got screwed up.

Anyway... I'm having a moment. I need to get out of here. I need to go sit on the love seat and watch Pineapple express, and be jealous of those guys.

Sigh.

That was weird

I don't get it. This is going to be short blog for now, because my head's about to pop. But I have to say one thing.

He knew who I was. He said my name when we first met and Leslee looked at me with a look of shock on her face, that I was feeling in my head. So, I think I'm right when I suspect my blog's being read.

But anyway...

It just shocked me. Big time.

I'll tell ya more about it later, but I am finally going to go check out my cable. Later.

Stuff. Sorry, no clever title today.

Tonight's the night. Lots of things going on today after work. I want to stop off and see if I can find a new shirt. Honestly, that's at the back of the list, but I'd like to look. I have to open a new bank account after the whole customer service issue I had with the bank I have now.

Customer service. I'm losing faith in a lot of it. Maybe that's why I'm so sugary when I'm on the phone. I know what's out there, and if I can be one person that stands out in someone's mind, by God, I'm going to be that person.

I had so much nonsense I was dealing with the other day, trying to get a deposit straightened out. I talked to 6 people, and not one of them spoke English as a first language. All of them, and I do mean ALL of them, were from the Phillipenes. And it just got me frustrated, because not one of them understood why I was upset. (They refused my deposit. Yet, couldn't tell me what was wrong with this one, and what was right with the first two that went through.)

I finally gave up after I asked to speak with a supervisor and got disconnected. I sent them an email telling them how upset I was with my customer service. I got a response all right.

It was copied and pasted. So obviously cut and pasted, which pissed me off even more! I responded to that, if you can't treat me like a human, don't bother. The account has not been cancelled yet, because I need my direct deposit to hit on next Friday for my trip. But trust me, when I come back from Vegas, it's first on my to do list. I'm actually going to be setting up a new account today.

No wonder the country's going to hell in a handbasket. Companies would rather outsource to other countries, than to give jobs to their own people. All to save a buck. One thing I'd like to see our new president do, is put a stop to that. Make these companies stay here! Or tax the hell out of them. Will he, I don't know. I don't normally follow politics, but this has been weighing on my mind so much lately.

Makes my stomach turn a bit actually.

But let's not start this wonderful Friday with this stuff. It will depress me and I'll stay in that mood all day. And it's a good day.

I don't want to sound like I don't care. I do. But when I can't fix it myself, it bothers me. That's why I don't normally talk about that stuff. I do what I can though. Or I try to anyway.

On my scarve project, I'm at 35 or 36. I can't remember. I didn't get to work on much last night, because I had to concentrate on cleaning my apartment last night. Cable guy's coming, but more importantly, Mom's coming. She's going to hang out and take care of that for me. So, the cleaning was more for her. She'll be happy to see full cupboards I think.

I'm making a cd for Kristian. I'm not sure that she'll like it. It's Josh Todd and Slamhound. Pre and Post Buckcherry stuff. Well, post old Buckcherry stuff. Josh did a solo thing when Buckcherry broke up before. Honestly, I love that stuff more than I love Buckcherry stuff. I used to have so much fun when I followed that band. Fun times.

And I'm going to make Melanie Sevendust. I'm pretty sure she won't appreciate them the way I do, but...

I love sharing my music because I feel like I'm giving people a gift. And this way, it doesn't force my tunes on them. They can decide if they like it or not, and if they don't... at least I tried, right? :)

I really am not up for the day. I wish I could've slept a little longer. Someone might want to check in with me around 7ish, to make sure I'm still breathing. And I'm semi sober. :)

It's going to be a good day. And an even better night, right?

Yeah, that's what I'll be telling myself ALLLLL DAY.

Random Ramblings for a fine Thursday!

I admit that I don't post so many blogs here. Out of habit, I post on myspace. A habit I'm looking to change, in all honesty. I always try to start conversations, and even though I get a few comments, no one ever wants to converse.

Not that I have the worlds greatest conversation starters, but at least I would think that there are things to go off of. I guess it's just me, I'm frustrated these days. Serves me right for trying to expand my horizons I suppose.

I've been making scarves. Now this is something I talk about because I'm proud of, not something I'm telling you about to comment on. (Really. :) ) Where I work, is doing a collection for the homeless shelter. One day, I was looking at my bin of yarn, and it occurred to me that I could do something for them. I don't have a lot of money, but I have been thinking I needed to contribute somewhere. I've got almost 35 done. And there are so many colors, because now I also have this addiction to buy yarn when I have $$. I can honestly say though, that the scarf project will be going on the back burner for awhile though. I have to hand them in on the 18th. And I have 35 scarves I need to tuck the ends of the yarn in yet. I had a goal of 50, but I'm not going to kill myself to do it, but I think I will get at least 40 done. And who knows, there's still a week left .... Wish me luck!

I've got other crocheting projects I'd like to embark on. Ann and AJ are having a baby boy, and I want to make them a baby blanket. Kellie's due at the end of February, and I want to make her one too. And then... I'd really, really like to make one for Colleen. She said something when she seen the one I made Lindsey, about having one to put in her daughter's hope chest. So I'd really like to do that for her. Because she wouldn't expect it.

She's awesome, that lady. One of the most amazing people I've ever met. It's rare that I can say that I've met someone that makes my life brighter by just being in it, but she's one of those kinds of people. Never a negative thing to say, and can turn anything positive. I want to be more like her. I really, truly do.

One thing about that though, I'll never be with my headbanging ways. But all the other ways, I sure can be! :)

Speaking of headbanging, I have quite the busy month ahead of me! :)

This month, well, next week actually, I'm meeting my friend Colette in Las Vegas. We're going to see Papa Roach at the Hard Rock. (Yay!) For those just meeting me, after Cruefest this summer, I had quite the obsession with Jacoby Shaddix (their singer). The trip was a complete fluke. I was talking to Colette, joking, and some how... we're going to Vegas now!

That's how most of our road trips came about though, one suggests. The other is all about it. So much, that both of us are so excited about it, that the only way to shut up about it, is just to go. That's how I've seen half the country, and how I ended up in Canada.

I'm really looking forward to that.

Also coming up...
Next month, Sevendust/Disturbed. That's January 21. I have to laugh, because I found out about that show when Kristian called me up and told me about it.

The really awesome thing about that one, I got to return the favor. Saving Abel/Papa Roach/Buckcherry/Avenged Sevenfold. January 28.

In all honesty, I'm very glad to be a part of the second show. I'm excited about the first one, don't get me wrong. It's just we'd been talking about Avenged for. ... well, since I've been talking to her! I used to LOVE Buckcherry. So much that I chased them all over the country. But I'm more excited to see Avenged. (I know there's a shorter way to write it, but I'm not the fan she is. Sorry, Kristian!)

And then we have Adele in there too. But she's going to be mellow. So mellow. It kind of makes me laugh to think how she's in the middle of those two.


For awhile there, I felt like I had stepped out of my body, and was just going through the motions. I was not feeling like myself by any means. But in the last month or so, I've been feeling more like me than I have in years. I can't begin to tell you how I'm so happy to be getting that back. I've missed all of these things about me. I hated being so down all the time, and being so ... negative. I hated that I hadn't felt like myself in YEARS.

But it seems to be coming back, and this makes me so happy! Not that I'm there, by any means, but ... I'm getting there. My love of music's coming back. I love concerts. More than anything else in the world, I love concerts. And for a long time, that had left. I know I blame the music scene I was involved in when I lived in Milwaukee, because there were some nasty people I'd been involved with. And I held onto that for much too long.

I didn't think I'd ever get this back, and it makes me feel ... so much better that it's back. I honestly can tell you that there's no way I'd ever be able to do it like I used to. In the car every weekend, going somewhere, to see someone. But... I'll enjoy what comes to me, that much I'll tell you. :) And Vegas isn't just about a concert. It's about seeing my best friend. We haven't hung out for a while, and ... I think we both need that. However, I have no desire to go to a club like she does! Two nights there, and that's not how I want to spend one of them.

Tomorrow's going to be an interesting day. Full moon. And I'm going to see that guy's band that's mentioned in my other blogs. The only part of the night I'm looking forward to is hanging out with my new friend. But I'm not looking forward to the rest. Which hopefully will end up meaning it's a great night. But the more I think about it, the more paranoid I'm getting. It's for the Utah Food Bank, and it occurred to me, that there are 2 men right off the bat there that are complete assholes, and just might start making comments when they see a girl my size come in. And if they do, that's just going to RIP my heart out. Not to mention, all the other drunk people I'll be around.

I'm just nervous now. It's my first night out to a bar since I've been here. To see smaller bands. I haven't done this since Milwaukee. And ... I'm worried. I'm a wussy in so many ways now, you have no idea.

Wish me luck, I am really sure I'm going to need it.

With that being said, it's time for me to get ready for work. See you tomorrow, and thanks for reading.

Working on it

I can honestly say that things are improving for me, and that I've finally begun to leave the negativity behind. Or at least I'm trying to. I'm nervous I admit.

Because Friday. Will be the first time I've ever been in the same vacinity as him. I'm confident that I'll be okay. Especially with a bottle of Absolut not so far off, but who the hell knows.

Not to mention, full moon.

Sigh. I'm nervous. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't.

Assuming

Assuming never gets us anywhere, now does it? I started out my day good, I've been working on crocheting all day. I've got three different projects in the works. Two of them are gifts, and I guess... the third one is too. I've decided that I'm working on a project for a homeless shelter. I'd like to make a bunch of blankets, but I don't know if I'll have the time to make a lot of those. Another thing I'm going to make are scarves. They're actually the only two things I know how to make. I worry about it, only because my arm. I've got tendinitis in my forearm, and it flares up when I'm working so much on this kind of thing. But I like to do it. It calms me.

But I took a break, and went looking around the internet. And I stumbled across something by accident. And I have to say, I'm pretty sure I hurt someone's feelings.

I'm pretty sure that he knows I didn't do to intentionally hurt feelings. In all actuality, I think it was more that I made him feel bad, therefore, his feelings were hurt with what I said to him. It wasn't bad by any means. No, it was me. Genuinely honest, and straight from the heart. I reread what I wrote, and honestly... it made me feel good that I was brave enough to say something once and for all.

And that's why I have been assuming all day. It hurt my heart. Literally, it felt like an ache. It passed, because I realized that I can't worry about how I made him feel. He didn't care how he made me feel, now did he?

But it's one of those things that makes me feel like... trust the gut feeling, and know that the closure will come. In time. Not today, or tomorrow... but in time. And I'm okay with that.

Kinda.

I sent another email today. It kind of surprised me actually. It was a man that I had met some time ago. I think it was 2003. When Josh Todd had his solo project. (I tell ya, I've been a Buckcherry fan for years, but this cd... beats all of them. Those boys were talented. They probably still are ;) ) I had attempted to contact his guitarist last year. I had thought he'd help me with a few issues I was having, when I got to town. It didnt' go so well, and I realized I was kind of a bitch to him.

So ... when I was going through one email account, and I actually found the email he sent me with his phone number... I wrote him an email. Actually, an apology.

Will he respond? No. But at least I'll feel better. I actually was listening to the Josh Todd cd today, with my headphones, and I realized how awesome that sounded. Those guys... got royally screwed by a lead singer with an ego. I love Josh, but damn... that whole thing just makes me look at him different. Even now.

I don't know what my point was. I just wanted to write somewhere... because... this whole thing is just baffling to me sometimes. And now's one of those times.