The Tale of a Papa Roach Addict

Sometimes it's a good thing. Sometimes it's a bad thing.

I'm actually quite shocked that something that was a "hairbrained" idea on Wednesday, has actually materialized by Friday. Technically, it was last night, but hey, it's technically Friday now. And it's ... happening.

The best thing about Colette EVER, is that when I call her and toss ideas at her, she never, ever says, "No way!" I mean, I get no sometimes, but I know I'm really reaching when she does. I do the same thing. But it's times like this that I love my best friend. She's spontaneous too, and she never talks me out of it.

Her and I have both been in the blah rut. When we were supposed to do Vegas, that was going to be a "let's let our hair down, and raise a little hell!" weekend. Since she didn't make it, it just wasn't the same.

And well, I'm pretty sure it's obvious that my little infactuation with Jacoby is going NO WHERE...

Yeah, you see where this is going, don't you?

Papa Roach posted a blog a few days ago (Oh, wow, I think it was Wednesday.) about how they're going to be doing this contest, a chance to meet the band. I went and signed up on the site like I was supposed to for this contest, thinking well, since they didn't have it here where they were here, they might when they come back through.

Well, the thing is about doing stuff like that, I tend to start looking. And I look at what's on a Saturday. And when I seen Dubuque, IA... I'm like, well, it is a hairbrained idea. Let's see what the partner in crime has to say.

The conversation ended on Wednesday, that it wasn't going to be done. It was going to be too much for air fare, I had to pay all my bills. Blah, blah.

Yesterday at work... I'm sitting there on hold. I'm staring at my background picture on my computer, which is Jacoby getting a tattoo. I like the picture because it's black and white, and if you've ever gotten a tattoo, you know that it's kind of a intimate thing between you and your tattooist. There's just something about this picture that I love.

What my original thought was, hmmm, maybe I should get another tattoo?
Weird how the mind works.

So, while I'm on hold. I send Colette a little list of things. 5 things actually. I don't remember all of them, but one of them is Dubuque next week.

Her response is, don't tempt me, I have nothing going on that weekend.

Well, geez..... HMMMMMM.

Yeah. You see where this is going still, don't you?

My response is... "Let me look into airfare."

I'm pretty sure that I made her jaw hit the desk. Because look into airfare, I did.

I found a flight into Chicago for $248. With everything, fees blah blah. They have a bus that runs from Chicago to Milwaukee. Well, I'll be.

I figured out the budget. I paid all my bills, I even will have $$ for my mom. I efiled my taxes, and with any luck, will have a refund by next week.

What the hell. I'm going to freakin IOWA.

Iowa. That just sounds so... I don't know. I'm pretty sure when people pick places to go for concerts, that's probably not their first choice, ya know? They'd probably pick New York or Los Angeles... You know the BIG cities. (By the way, as soon as this was pretty much set in stone... Two Papa Roach headlining shows announced. LA and NY. Tix $20.) But ... I wouldn't get Avenged Sevenfold. Or Saving Abel. I'd say Buckcherry, but... that's so what this is not about!

Which is another topic I'll hit before I'm done I'm sure. One good thing about waking up WAY before I'm supposed to, lots of talking time this morning!

Hey, I've been quiet lately.
You should be happy I'm ... almost normal again.
Like I said, almost.

So, where was I? Yeah... Dubuque. No Elizabeth though, I'm afraid. She's taking her son out. Which I understand. Next time, my friend! At least, we thought about it.

So, yeah. My boss didn't help matters when I went in and asked if it's too late to ask for next Thursday and Friday off, and she said, "No. No one else has it off, you could have it."

I looked at her funny. It was almost like I WANTED her to say no. Or at least expected her to!

So, with that being said, plane ticket bought, bus ticket bought, not sure about the concert ticket. She said she was going to get it last night, but... not sure. If she didn't, I might just to insure we're going to have tickets. I'll talk to her when I get to work today.

I'm going to be in Milwaukee Thursday night. I'll be travelling all day, I'm not doing anything but hanging low and catching up with my friend. Friday, she's working, and I'm thinking that I'll go see Kerry if she's up for it. I have to call her first on that, to see if she'll be around, because I can't assume that she'll even want to see me. Spend Friday with her, and then Friday night... Barbieres. YUM! I hope that Lisa gets my message and rounds up the group for me. I've been thinking about them all so much lately, it would be nice to see them. Esp. Shawn. I've just been wanting to talk to him for so long. Michelle too! I'm sure that we'll talk with her for awhile after Barbieres. I want to anyway. I hope she doesn't have anythign else planned.

Saturday, we're going to Dubuque. Sunday I come home. I'm not going to have a lot of time, and there are going to be people I won't get to see unless they come to dinner, but ... I put a bulletin out there. If people can't make it, I understand. But if they can, the more the merrier!

I so can not wait. I need this weekend. I need to raise some hell. I need some quality time with my friend... the one that loves this stuff as much as I do. We're both pretty excited for the insanity.

And not only that... I mean think about it. I get to go back to the city I lived in for 8 years. I get to see a lot of people I haven't seen in a while. I get garlic bread and meat sauce. I get (hopefully) some George Webbs coffee. I get to hang out with my partner in crime. AND... JACOBY AND DA BOYS???

Hits stores March 24 friends. Preorder it at paparoach.com
Yeah, I'm not pimpin. Am I?

Thing is... Even though I have this crush on Jacoby, this band has brought me back... what I used to LOVE about music. The live performance. The band that LOVES what they do. I haven't had that in my life for a long, long time. I will never really try to meet Jacoby. If it happens, I'm at risk of my image of him being shattered, just like what happened with Buckcherry.

Which is completely ironic, that these two bands are touring together.

This band... is not the same band I fell in love with.

It's hard to believe their headlining the tour at that. Their performance seemed so... not real the last time I seen them. It lacked energy. It lacked... love for the music, and the love of performing live. At least, that's what it seemed like to me.

Which again, is why I find it so funny that I get this love back for music from another band that is touring with the last band I felt that energy for. Papa Roach, don't ever sell out, men. I beg you.

I read an interview with Jacoby awhile back, and I'm thinking it was pretty old, but he was talking about the insane things he does on stage just to make it entertaining for the crowd. Because... he realizes why they're there.

And entertain he does. I've never seen a front man do the shit he does. ALL over the crowd. I mean, all over!!! And the best part... his smile.

Oh wait, that's not the smile.
That's the image in my mind when I'm trying to sleep!
Shame on me.


That's the look I love.

If I don't win that contest for the meet and greet, I'll be just fine. Because what if I meet them, and they're all jerks? That's going to ruin EVERYTHING all over again. And I just got it back. But on the otherside of the coin.

I want a crazy picture with Jacoby. Man, the guy can not take a serious picture EVER.

I love that about him.
Sigh.

Anyway... sorry. I'm just very surprised, and very happy I'm doing something insanely fun.

Weight loss. Don't know what I've lost, but since I've been walking again, I can tell. I admit that I've got more bounce in my step, and I can feel it in my clothes. And I can see in the midsection. Yay me!

Okay... I'm done rambling. I hope this explains why I'm not going on my grocery shopping spree. Now, I'm getting coffee, half and half, milk and splenda. I'll be living on macaroni and tuna (not together..) for the next month. But ... it will be worth it. I'm pretty sure on that.

My latest favorite song.
My favorite line...
Take these memories that are Haunting me

Of a paper man cut into shreds by his own pair of scissors


BYE!

heart of embers

she tries hard

tries so very hard to belong

push, pull, tug, yank

yet, she stays back in the deep dark shadows



when will she be seen?

when will she be noticed?



like a little girl

wanting her teacher's attention

or that longing look from the homecoming king



she yearns

she longs

yet she remains overlooked

over and over



no one can see the heart of gold

buried so very deep

so she thinks

yet

so obviously worn on her sleeve



everyone looks past

never at



no one sees her

shiny heart of gold

despite her mad hand waving

for their attention

or

her crying out



"please look at me!

please see me!"



they all continue to look past

to the horizon

seeing further



for something bigger

something better

is always over the horizon



she's oblivious to what's behind

she wants to move forward

ahead

to what's new

what's better

what is yet to come



never does she look back

until she realizes

where they are looking



behind her

bigger,

better



her head hangs down

defeated yet again



her eyes remain on the horizon

tears roll down her cheeks

she knows she has lost

yet again

at the realization,

her reality



there will always be

something bigger,

something better



and it's a fight she'll never win



she tried so hard for their approval

approval she never got

and never will



she's defeated

she slumps

she has only herself to blame

her hopes

her dreams

all gone

reality hindered once again

by simple minded thoughts

that this time.

this time would be different.



what she wanted to be sunshine

was only her heart

the heart of gold on her sleeve

glowing brighter in hope

only to be

snuffed out again

from the hurt

the pain



back to the deep dark shadows

she goes

her heart of gold

has faded

faded into nothing

nothing but a heart of embers









cherri l kauss 2009

Stupid Cry Baby

My heart hurts. I can't explain it, because it's no one thing. It's a lot of different things. And I'm not talking about stupid boys kind of hurt. Being sick probably is messing with my head, because I can't stop crying after reading Colleen's blog. It was the story about her and her son.

It was a beautiful story. It truly was. I don't know why I'm sitting here crying about it. I guess because I know it hurts my friend that her son's gone for awhile now. I wish I could hug it away, but...

I don't know. I think that right now, I'm just having a moment. It's like I had a sledge hammer hit me along side the head, and I feel virtually incomplete. For lack of a better word, I feel empty. I know that I can't ask anyone to understand why I feel this way. Everyone's life is so different.

But I'm sick. I'm alone. No one will be calling to check on me tonight. No one will make sure I'm alive in the morning. No one's going to tuck me in and say, "I hope you feel better in the morning."

It doesn't normally bother me. I'm usually pretty strong about this sort of thing. But today, obviously I'm not. It's a combination of things. PMS. Being sick. Being alone. Not having any freaking money left after I pay rent.

It's just like today, I don't want to be an adult. I want someone to take care of me for a change. But I don't have that, so I will sit here, cry for awhile, suck it up, and do it all over again tomorrow. It's what I do every day.

Sorry. I feel better, kinda.

Colette and I were talking about stuff the other day, and she doesn't understand that I actually have been through what she's going through before. Liking your best friend. His name was Shawn. We used to hang out together EVERY night. He lived upstairs, I lived downstairs. Every night, we'd take turns cooking dinner, and watching movies / tv in his place. Nothing ever happened, but it was only a matter of time before my feelings changed.

I backed off. But I noticed that when I left, Shawn was going back to his old habits. Something he didn't do when we'd hang out. (Truth? Crack. I'd never touched the stuff, and he knew damn well he wouldn't if I were around.) But... he did go back to it. I called his cousin Curt, and told him what I thought was going on... and we did an intervention.

That was the last time I was ever in the same room with Shawn. It's not that he hated me. In fact, I know he appreciated what I had done, because he knew he needed to be on that road. He never hated me for it, but he never... could look me in the eye again. Can't say that I blame him.

But I did it because I knew he was better than that.

Not a day goes by that I still don't think about him. I miss him terribly because he was the best guy friend I'd ever had. I mean, we were like married, without the sex. And then ... I had to go start thinking like a girl, and everything got all screwed up.

But my point. She forgets I know.

I miss Shawn. To this day, I still miss him. But I will probably never ever see him again. And that... sucks.

I'm just lonely. I don't have any friends that I can just hang out with. I mean I have friends that I do hang out with, like go to concerts and stuff. No one to go to the movies. No one to go for coffee. Last week I was supposed to go to dinner, but my car got screwed up.

Anyway... I'm having a moment. I need to get out of here. I need to go sit on the love seat and watch Pineapple express, and be jealous of those guys.

Sigh.

That was weird

I don't get it. This is going to be short blog for now, because my head's about to pop. But I have to say one thing.

He knew who I was. He said my name when we first met and Leslee looked at me with a look of shock on her face, that I was feeling in my head. So, I think I'm right when I suspect my blog's being read.

But anyway...

It just shocked me. Big time.

I'll tell ya more about it later, but I am finally going to go check out my cable. Later.

Stuff. Sorry, no clever title today.

Tonight's the night. Lots of things going on today after work. I want to stop off and see if I can find a new shirt. Honestly, that's at the back of the list, but I'd like to look. I have to open a new bank account after the whole customer service issue I had with the bank I have now.

Customer service. I'm losing faith in a lot of it. Maybe that's why I'm so sugary when I'm on the phone. I know what's out there, and if I can be one person that stands out in someone's mind, by God, I'm going to be that person.

I had so much nonsense I was dealing with the other day, trying to get a deposit straightened out. I talked to 6 people, and not one of them spoke English as a first language. All of them, and I do mean ALL of them, were from the Phillipenes. And it just got me frustrated, because not one of them understood why I was upset. (They refused my deposit. Yet, couldn't tell me what was wrong with this one, and what was right with the first two that went through.)

I finally gave up after I asked to speak with a supervisor and got disconnected. I sent them an email telling them how upset I was with my customer service. I got a response all right.

It was copied and pasted. So obviously cut and pasted, which pissed me off even more! I responded to that, if you can't treat me like a human, don't bother. The account has not been cancelled yet, because I need my direct deposit to hit on next Friday for my trip. But trust me, when I come back from Vegas, it's first on my to do list. I'm actually going to be setting up a new account today.

No wonder the country's going to hell in a handbasket. Companies would rather outsource to other countries, than to give jobs to their own people. All to save a buck. One thing I'd like to see our new president do, is put a stop to that. Make these companies stay here! Or tax the hell out of them. Will he, I don't know. I don't normally follow politics, but this has been weighing on my mind so much lately.

Makes my stomach turn a bit actually.

But let's not start this wonderful Friday with this stuff. It will depress me and I'll stay in that mood all day. And it's a good day.

I don't want to sound like I don't care. I do. But when I can't fix it myself, it bothers me. That's why I don't normally talk about that stuff. I do what I can though. Or I try to anyway.

On my scarve project, I'm at 35 or 36. I can't remember. I didn't get to work on much last night, because I had to concentrate on cleaning my apartment last night. Cable guy's coming, but more importantly, Mom's coming. She's going to hang out and take care of that for me. So, the cleaning was more for her. She'll be happy to see full cupboards I think.

I'm making a cd for Kristian. I'm not sure that she'll like it. It's Josh Todd and Slamhound. Pre and Post Buckcherry stuff. Well, post old Buckcherry stuff. Josh did a solo thing when Buckcherry broke up before. Honestly, I love that stuff more than I love Buckcherry stuff. I used to have so much fun when I followed that band. Fun times.

And I'm going to make Melanie Sevendust. I'm pretty sure she won't appreciate them the way I do, but...

I love sharing my music because I feel like I'm giving people a gift. And this way, it doesn't force my tunes on them. They can decide if they like it or not, and if they don't... at least I tried, right? :)

I really am not up for the day. I wish I could've slept a little longer. Someone might want to check in with me around 7ish, to make sure I'm still breathing. And I'm semi sober. :)

It's going to be a good day. And an even better night, right?

Yeah, that's what I'll be telling myself ALLLLL DAY.

Random Ramblings for a fine Thursday!

I admit that I don't post so many blogs here. Out of habit, I post on myspace. A habit I'm looking to change, in all honesty. I always try to start conversations, and even though I get a few comments, no one ever wants to converse.

Not that I have the worlds greatest conversation starters, but at least I would think that there are things to go off of. I guess it's just me, I'm frustrated these days. Serves me right for trying to expand my horizons I suppose.

I've been making scarves. Now this is something I talk about because I'm proud of, not something I'm telling you about to comment on. (Really. :) ) Where I work, is doing a collection for the homeless shelter. One day, I was looking at my bin of yarn, and it occurred to me that I could do something for them. I don't have a lot of money, but I have been thinking I needed to contribute somewhere. I've got almost 35 done. And there are so many colors, because now I also have this addiction to buy yarn when I have $$. I can honestly say though, that the scarf project will be going on the back burner for awhile though. I have to hand them in on the 18th. And I have 35 scarves I need to tuck the ends of the yarn in yet. I had a goal of 50, but I'm not going to kill myself to do it, but I think I will get at least 40 done. And who knows, there's still a week left .... Wish me luck!

I've got other crocheting projects I'd like to embark on. Ann and AJ are having a baby boy, and I want to make them a baby blanket. Kellie's due at the end of February, and I want to make her one too. And then... I'd really, really like to make one for Colleen. She said something when she seen the one I made Lindsey, about having one to put in her daughter's hope chest. So I'd really like to do that for her. Because she wouldn't expect it.

She's awesome, that lady. One of the most amazing people I've ever met. It's rare that I can say that I've met someone that makes my life brighter by just being in it, but she's one of those kinds of people. Never a negative thing to say, and can turn anything positive. I want to be more like her. I really, truly do.

One thing about that though, I'll never be with my headbanging ways. But all the other ways, I sure can be! :)

Speaking of headbanging, I have quite the busy month ahead of me! :)

This month, well, next week actually, I'm meeting my friend Colette in Las Vegas. We're going to see Papa Roach at the Hard Rock. (Yay!) For those just meeting me, after Cruefest this summer, I had quite the obsession with Jacoby Shaddix (their singer). The trip was a complete fluke. I was talking to Colette, joking, and some how... we're going to Vegas now!

That's how most of our road trips came about though, one suggests. The other is all about it. So much, that both of us are so excited about it, that the only way to shut up about it, is just to go. That's how I've seen half the country, and how I ended up in Canada.

I'm really looking forward to that.

Also coming up...
Next month, Sevendust/Disturbed. That's January 21. I have to laugh, because I found out about that show when Kristian called me up and told me about it.

The really awesome thing about that one, I got to return the favor. Saving Abel/Papa Roach/Buckcherry/Avenged Sevenfold. January 28.

In all honesty, I'm very glad to be a part of the second show. I'm excited about the first one, don't get me wrong. It's just we'd been talking about Avenged for. ... well, since I've been talking to her! I used to LOVE Buckcherry. So much that I chased them all over the country. But I'm more excited to see Avenged. (I know there's a shorter way to write it, but I'm not the fan she is. Sorry, Kristian!)

And then we have Adele in there too. But she's going to be mellow. So mellow. It kind of makes me laugh to think how she's in the middle of those two.


For awhile there, I felt like I had stepped out of my body, and was just going through the motions. I was not feeling like myself by any means. But in the last month or so, I've been feeling more like me than I have in years. I can't begin to tell you how I'm so happy to be getting that back. I've missed all of these things about me. I hated being so down all the time, and being so ... negative. I hated that I hadn't felt like myself in YEARS.

But it seems to be coming back, and this makes me so happy! Not that I'm there, by any means, but ... I'm getting there. My love of music's coming back. I love concerts. More than anything else in the world, I love concerts. And for a long time, that had left. I know I blame the music scene I was involved in when I lived in Milwaukee, because there were some nasty people I'd been involved with. And I held onto that for much too long.

I didn't think I'd ever get this back, and it makes me feel ... so much better that it's back. I honestly can tell you that there's no way I'd ever be able to do it like I used to. In the car every weekend, going somewhere, to see someone. But... I'll enjoy what comes to me, that much I'll tell you. :) And Vegas isn't just about a concert. It's about seeing my best friend. We haven't hung out for a while, and ... I think we both need that. However, I have no desire to go to a club like she does! Two nights there, and that's not how I want to spend one of them.

Tomorrow's going to be an interesting day. Full moon. And I'm going to see that guy's band that's mentioned in my other blogs. The only part of the night I'm looking forward to is hanging out with my new friend. But I'm not looking forward to the rest. Which hopefully will end up meaning it's a great night. But the more I think about it, the more paranoid I'm getting. It's for the Utah Food Bank, and it occurred to me, that there are 2 men right off the bat there that are complete assholes, and just might start making comments when they see a girl my size come in. And if they do, that's just going to RIP my heart out. Not to mention, all the other drunk people I'll be around.

I'm just nervous now. It's my first night out to a bar since I've been here. To see smaller bands. I haven't done this since Milwaukee. And ... I'm worried. I'm a wussy in so many ways now, you have no idea.

Wish me luck, I am really sure I'm going to need it.

With that being said, it's time for me to get ready for work. See you tomorrow, and thanks for reading.

Working on it

I can honestly say that things are improving for me, and that I've finally begun to leave the negativity behind. Or at least I'm trying to. I'm nervous I admit.

Because Friday. Will be the first time I've ever been in the same vacinity as him. I'm confident that I'll be okay. Especially with a bottle of Absolut not so far off, but who the hell knows.

Not to mention, full moon.

Sigh. I'm nervous. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't.

Assuming

Assuming never gets us anywhere, now does it? I started out my day good, I've been working on crocheting all day. I've got three different projects in the works. Two of them are gifts, and I guess... the third one is too. I've decided that I'm working on a project for a homeless shelter. I'd like to make a bunch of blankets, but I don't know if I'll have the time to make a lot of those. Another thing I'm going to make are scarves. They're actually the only two things I know how to make. I worry about it, only because my arm. I've got tendinitis in my forearm, and it flares up when I'm working so much on this kind of thing. But I like to do it. It calms me.

But I took a break, and went looking around the internet. And I stumbled across something by accident. And I have to say, I'm pretty sure I hurt someone's feelings.

I'm pretty sure that he knows I didn't do to intentionally hurt feelings. In all actuality, I think it was more that I made him feel bad, therefore, his feelings were hurt with what I said to him. It wasn't bad by any means. No, it was me. Genuinely honest, and straight from the heart. I reread what I wrote, and honestly... it made me feel good that I was brave enough to say something once and for all.

And that's why I have been assuming all day. It hurt my heart. Literally, it felt like an ache. It passed, because I realized that I can't worry about how I made him feel. He didn't care how he made me feel, now did he?

But it's one of those things that makes me feel like... trust the gut feeling, and know that the closure will come. In time. Not today, or tomorrow... but in time. And I'm okay with that.

Kinda.

I sent another email today. It kind of surprised me actually. It was a man that I had met some time ago. I think it was 2003. When Josh Todd had his solo project. (I tell ya, I've been a Buckcherry fan for years, but this cd... beats all of them. Those boys were talented. They probably still are ;) ) I had attempted to contact his guitarist last year. I had thought he'd help me with a few issues I was having, when I got to town. It didnt' go so well, and I realized I was kind of a bitch to him.

So ... when I was going through one email account, and I actually found the email he sent me with his phone number... I wrote him an email. Actually, an apology.

Will he respond? No. But at least I'll feel better. I actually was listening to the Josh Todd cd today, with my headphones, and I realized how awesome that sounded. Those guys... got royally screwed by a lead singer with an ego. I love Josh, but damn... that whole thing just makes me look at him different. Even now.

I don't know what my point was. I just wanted to write somewhere... because... this whole thing is just baffling to me sometimes. And now's one of those times.

Broken

You know that song, by Seether with Amy Lewis? I used to joke around that I liked broken people, until I realized... it's not joking when it's the truth.

I realized my last "crush" was because I had found him in a lot of ways, to be broken. I wanted answers to be able to let things go. Do I think he's broken anymore? No, but something tells me, he's not a very nice man if you don't fit into his catagories.

I could be wrong, after all, I only have assumptions to go on here. He could be perfect in every way.
(Shyeah.)

So, with that in mind, why does it still bother me that he's ignored me for a month? After all, it was only a crush. It wasn't like it was going to grow into this great romance. We were only supposed to go to the movies.

It's not normal to get that attached to someone you've never even met, is it? But looking back, it's what I've always done. It's always much easier to like someone you know realistically you don't have a chance with, even becoming friends with, because you've already set yourself up for rejection. And you know you're going to be rejected right from the start.

But this time, it wasn't like that. Because he actually said yes. And when he wanted to do stuff, he had picked the worst possible week EVER. And because of that... I'm being punished. My broken car. Missing each other on Saturday. It was just bad timing. But... now, I'm being punished.

After talking to a friend of mine, and her "obsession", I realize that I need to just let this go. But is it me, or do you find it harder to drop things if there's no closure to them too? I know that's the only reason I'm still thinking about it. Because I didn't get to explain that his email went into the junk box in my mail email, and I didn't find it there for a whole day. He thought I was blowing him off, so... yeah, I didn 't even get to explain that. All he knows is he said yes to me, and when it was arranged for a day, I blew him off.

Sucks when you can't explain yourself, and it is really something that simple. I guess the point is now... maybe he's not the broken one, maybe I've been the one broken through out the years. Knowing what I shouldn't do, so I do it anyway.

I don't know. I need to let it go, but... it's hard when I hear him five days a week. Sure, I could turn him off, but... no. No, I can't. He's been my source of entertainment for a year now. I can't turn him off.

I hate the drama I create within myself.

It's Official

I've given up. I told myself I'd give it one more shot. That I did. And not even being acknowledged that I asked a question, I take that as a no. Which is fine. Honestly, I hate being ignored more than anything else. So, yeah. I give up. Not that I really expected anything. But... it would have been nice to just get it over and done with. I had these adrenaline highs for two weeks now, and when I ended up hitting the bottom, it was nothing but a low. And that was too much of a roller coaster for me.

It just makes me feel like such an idiot. Probably because it felt like so many other situations in my life through out the years. That right there should tell me to just let go. But, it's that old habit of giving a crap that really keeps me holding on. Or is it hope that it might be acceptance once and for all?

Yeah, the more I've been thinking about it, the more I think that's what it is exactly. I say I don't care, but I know what my heart feels like when I get rejected over and over again. I do care. And I hate it.

But ... it's another lesson I've learned, and need to pick myself up and dust myself off... AGAIN. It wasn't like this was going to be anything but hanging out. It wasn't a date. It wasn't going to be anything but hanging out. I know that, but I think I got so excited at the thought of having someone to go to the movies with .... Yeah, really, that's what it was.

But whatever. Officially done. I hope you never hear me talk about it again. I hope I never talk about it again. It will only remind me of how stupid I have been. Yet again.

If that makes any sense at all.

Second Chance

This song has come to have meaning for me. When I first heard it, the very first time, it gave me goosebumps because it reminded me of a lot of different second chances I've gotten in my life. Now, it just reminds me of someone... someone that seems to mean a great deal to me, and for reasons I couldn't even explain.

Screwed up, isn't it? I don't normally blog about my crushes anymore. I don't think of him as a crush so much either, but as ... I can't even explain it. I've never had someone give me just about every single emotion under the sun, and I've only spent about 3 seconds with him in person. We've talked more through writing, which is always a big thing for me. I don't get that either, but that goes way back to my days of pen palling. That's how I did all my communication, through writing. And when I can find someone who either humors me well through the writing, or at least acknowledges me , I can't help but feel a bond.

At this point though, I'm kind of torn as to what I need to do. Part of me tells me that I need to let it just go, and see what will come of it, because I don't want to be a pain in the ass. Because last week, when I just let it be... he mentioned going to the movies on Tuesday... When my car died, and I couldn't go anywhere. Then again, plans for Saturday... fell through because we missed either other via email by 3 minutes. THREE MINUTES. I know it's not a big deal, but I spent all day Saturday feeling like complete and utter crap because I thought I was blown off... Only to find out, that wasn't the case at all. When I check my work email... there it was.

I mean... what do I do at this point? I missed out going to a band on Friday, because I knew he was going to be there, and I didn't want it to look like I was being "stalker chick". No, actually, I had planned that show for three weeks, and when I found out he was going to be there, that put the hault on that. I know, I had my plans first, but... honestly, I didn't want to meet him in such a public place. I'm not all that comfortable in the first place, and really... yeah, well, I just didn't want that to be the first time. (Cruefest doesn't count. He doesn't even remember that. And I only do, because I remember sucking it up and actually going up to him. No one understands that. Me. Getting courage to go talk to him. Wow.)

So, now... I'm at a loss. Do I just leave it well enough alone? Answer to that question... No. I just asked him to join me to see Quarantine on Saturday. If he says no, then... I'll let it go. He asked the other two times, so...

We'll see.

After all, I am a glutton for punishment.

Fine Again

My brother introduced me to this song actually. Hard to believe, since I was on such a Seether kick. But he was talking about it, and how it reminded him of our uncle Doc. Ever since I've loved this song.

I've been listening to it this week, because I'm trying to convince myself I'm fine again. Too much has been going on this week, and I have been riding a roller coaster. I have to say, I hate it. I'm getting sick of my little soap opera. It causes too much unnecessary stress.

Sigh. I still wonder why he said yes in the first place.

Too Sensitive

I was too sensitive today. I was listening to the radio, and Marcus down right pissed me off. Or maybe I should say, he hurt my feelings. Because if he felt that way about one fat person, he obviously thinks that way about us all.
And for some reason, it felt like a shard of glass went right through my heart. What was it, you ask?
Something really stupid. I know it is very stupid. But it really just bothered me. I guess because he just shattered the little crush I had on him. That's the only thing I can think of.
He was talking about Ricki Lake, because it's her birthday today, and since she's not a fat thing anymore, she's cute. I was in such shock, I don't remember the rest of the wording, but I think I heard "Fat things need love too."
FAT THINGS?

Like I said, shard of glass. Maybe I misread what I heard, but I think he regretted it as soon as he said it, but I could be wrong. I still turned the radio off, and didn't listen to anything for the rest of the day. Until I was on my way home, and listened to Big Rog. I like Rog, he makes me laugh too.

It bothered me today because I was already feeling kind of weird because of a few things that happened this week. I had been trying to lose weight. But when I went to the doctor's that last time, and found that I gained weight, I really fell off the deep end.
I really am trying. I don't want to be like this anymore. It makes me sad when I see the people look, and I hear people talk. I know why it hurt me when I heard that comment today. I'll admit it, I had a crush on Marcus. I really did. And I knew I was not his type, but... I didn't want a reality slap. I knew I was never going to meet him again. But this...

It just hurt.

With that being said, I think I'm going to head off and work on my screenplay. I'm meeting with Rog on Sunday, and he's going to help me out with research for it. I can't wait. This guy's been super great. I'm really excited about this screenplay, and I can't wait to see how it's going to end.

Wish me luck!

Ponder = A poem

Ponder 9-04-08
Jesse S. Brennan
Cherri L. Kauss


The windows turn brighter
Slowly I open my eyes
The Sun greets me as it peeks inside
I Rub my eyes Stretch for a yawn
Feel so lucky to get to see another dawn
I make my coffee and ponder on yester
I can only pray that this day will be better
No regrets here
Just want the next best thing
Seems we always want what never will bring
But dreams are full of this thing called hope
Shines the brightest
But never shown
We wake to freedom
As some do not
We need appreciate all that we got

Regrets we should not have
As the dawn reminds us
We do have another chance
My chance... to continue hope
It does shine bright
Even through the flight
Through the doubt
When I least expect it, it is there
The reminder of yester
The want, the yearning, the drive I need
The reminder of freedom
My freedom
I sip my coffee with a smile
As I ponder the miles...
My freedom
This United States
Again, thankful as I look
At my sunshine of hope
I am free